Jokes. (Dirty)

Viagra An old man goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra 'Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?' 'I can cut them for you' said Dan the pharmacist ' but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection. ' 'I'm 96' said the old man. 'I don't want an erection, I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't piss on my slippers. ' Business is Business ... A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town. Things were getting hot and heavy when the girl stopped the boy. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex," she said. The boy just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25." Psychology A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and mixed emotions when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that's a bunch of crap; I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time." She said, "You have the biggest penis of all your friends." Sex in the Dark There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figures she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... A vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!" The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . . You explain the kids." 10 time divorce A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to 'Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin'. 'What?' said the puzzled groom. 'How can that be possible if you've been married ten times.?' 'Well, husband#1 was a Sales Representative; he just kept telling me how great it was going to be. 'Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.. 'Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. 'Husband #5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method. 'Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. 'Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it. 'Husband #8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it. 'Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it. . 'Husband #10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was ... God I miss him. 'But now that I've married you, I'm so excited'. 'Wonderful', said the husband, 'but why? To which she replied, 'You're with the 'GOVERNMENT' . .. This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED. Condom Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking. Arlene: What in the hell is that? Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Arlene: Where did you get it? Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy. The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers. 'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.' The pharmacist fainted.

Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had
sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody!'

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Tarzan and jane
Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life , she asked him how he had sex ?
"Tarzan not know sex" he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said "Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified Jane said, " Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch !
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed "
What did you do that for ?"
Tarzan replied, " Just checking for squirrel..."