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Friday, July 3, 2009

Jokes






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13 ways to relieve stress

Stress Reliever #1


Wife : You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Hubby : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your
picture and the problem disappears.
Wife : You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

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Stress Reliever # 2


Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles
and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or
troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.

________________________________________________________________________

Stress Reliever # 3


Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to
give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

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Stress Reliever # 4


Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the
night?"
Husband to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear."
Wife to husband: "What? At 2 am?!"
Husband to wife: "Yes, We used night clubs."

________________________________________________________________________

Stress Reliever # 5


Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it.. He wants to scare his parents."

________________________________________________________________________

Stress Reliever # 6


A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans"..
"My father grows beans," said one student.
"My father cooks beans," said another.
Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans."

________________________________________________________________________

Stress Reliever # 7


Interviewer to Millionaire: "To whom do you owe your success as a
millionaire to?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you
married her?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"

________________________________________________________________________

Stress Reliever # 8


Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.

________________________________________________________________________

Stress Reliever # 9


A husband was asked: Do you talk to your wife after sex?
He replied: Depends, if I can find a phone.


________________________________________________________________________

Stress Reliever # 10


Man to wife on wedding night: Are you sure I'm the first man you are
sleeping with?
Wife replied: Of course honey, I stayed awake with all the others!

________________________________________________________________________

Stress Reliever # 11


Why did they stop printing PAMELA ANDERSON stamps in the U.S. ?
Answer: Because people started licking the wrong side.

________________________________________________________________________

Stress Reliever # 12


A wife asked her husband: What do you like most in me - my pretty face
or my sexy body?
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: I like your sense of
humour.

________________________________________________________________________

Stress Reliever # 13


Doctor to his lady patient: You look terribly weak and exhausted! Are
you having your meals three times a day as I have advised?
Lady replied: Doctor, I thought you said three males a day.


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The 7 Most Beautiful-But-Deadly Flowers in the World


Beautiful as they may be, some flowers are much more than they appear to be. Believe it or not, these seemingly harmless plants can really ruin your vacation. To help you know what flowers to stay away from on your trips, with a list of the worlds most attractive but dangerous flowers:

7. Daphne

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Also known as lady laurel or paradise plant, Daphne is a 1-1.5 meters tall shrub, usually grown for its scented flowers. All parts of the plant are poisonous, but the greatest concentrations are in the sap and berries.

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Daphne contains mezerine and daphnin, two powerful toxins that cause stomach aches, headaches, diarrhea, delirium and convulsions. If Daphne berries are consumed, the victim might fall into a coma and even die.

6. Lily of the Valley

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Just like the Daphne, Lily of the Valley may look beautiful and harmless, but it is entirely poisonous. Eating one or two of the plants bell-shaped flowers wont hurt you very much, especially if youre an adult.

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Eaten in large quantities, Lily of the Valley causes pain in the mouth, nausea, vomiting, cramps and diarrhea. People with heart conditions should be most careful since the toxins cause the heartbeats to slow down or become irregular.

5. Belladonna

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Known as one of the most poisonous plants in the Western hemisphere, Belladonna contains potentially lethal tropane alkaloids. The entire plant is harmful, but its good-looking berries pose the most danger, especially to kids.

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The symptoms of Belladona, or Deadly Nightshade poisoning are dilated pupils, blurred vision, headaches, hallucinations, delirium and convulsions. Atropine, the toxin contained by Belladona, can kill a person by disrupting the nervous systems ability to regulate breathing, sweating and heart rate.

4. Angels Trumpet

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Despite its name, theres something very evil about this plant. The toxins it contains can be fatal to humans and a number of animals. Known as a powerful hallucinogen, Angels Trumpet should not be used for recreational purposes, since the risk of an overdose is very high.

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Angels Trumpet plants contain a variable amount of tropane alkaloids, like atropine and scopolamine, and it is used in shamanic rituals by indigenous tribes in western Amazonia.

3. Rhododendron

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This popular evergreen shrub, featuring large, beautiful blooms, has been known for its toxicity since ancient times. Xenophon recorded the odd behavior of a group of Greek soldiers who had eaten honey from rhododendron flowers.

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Rhododendron contains andromedatoxin which causes nausea, severe pains, paralysis and even death. Azaleas, members of the same plant-family as rhododendron, are also poisonous.

2. Oleander

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Oleander is known as one of the most poisonous plants on Earth, often used in suicidal cases around southern India. The numerous toxic compounds contained in the entire Oleander plant, including oleandrin and neriine, affect the nervous, digestive and cardiovascular systems, all at the same time.

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Oleander poisoning leads to drowsiness, tremors, seizures, coma and even death. The plants sap causes skin irritation and severe eye inflammation.

1. Autumn crocus

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One of the most endangered plants in the world, Autumn crocus is also probably the most poisonous. It contains colchicine, a deadly drug used effectively in the treatment for gout. Unlike other toxins found in the flowers above, colchicine, an arsenic-like poison has no antidote.

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Autumn crocus poisoning leads to reduced blood pressure and cardiac arrest.

Relax

Wife: If I dismiss the cook and make the food myself for a month, what will you pay me?
Husband: I won't have to pay you, you'll get my entire insurance amount.

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Two men r talking. 1st: I got married coz I was tired of eating out, cleaning the house, doing the laundry & wearing shabby clothes.
2nd: Amazing, I just got divorced for the very same reasons

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What’s the diff between Complete & Finished?
If you find good wife u r complete otherwise u r finished.

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Police arrested a drunkard & asked: Where r u going?
Man: I'm going 2 listen lecture on ill effects of drinking.
Cop: Who'll lecture at midnight?
Man: My wife...

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Before marriage: Roses are red, sky is blue. U r beautiful, I love u.
After marriage: Roses are dead, I'm blue. U r my headache, one day I'll kill u.

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Beggar: Saab 12Rs do na coffee peeni hai.
Man: Lekin coffee to 6Rs ki hai?
Beggar: Par Saab girlfriend bhi to hai.
Man: Bhikari hokar bhi GF banali.
Beggar: Na saab,GF ne Bhikari bana diya!

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